Some people are quick to ridicule faithful religious adherents. But me? I envy them. I envy the ability to believe that there is something out there just for you – a plan or a specific place. It’s comforting aspect cannot be overstated. The mental peace that comes with having a direction for your life is amazing. I know. I used to believe. Strongly. Wholeheartedly.
And though I don’t regret where I am now, sometimes I wish for simpler times. Complete faith. It reminds me of childhood – how my parents took care of everything – clothing, food, shelter. I may have wanted more or different stuff, but my basic physical needs were met without me worrying about them. They were just there.
It was this great community that I belonged to. It gave me an identity, an instant support group, friends. Kind of like a gang. It was a constant thing. I could go to church every week and if I wanted more, Wednesday and Friday nights too. I could participate in a culture that I was a part of. There was a wonderful sense of belonging and love. Even if I didn’t get along with everyone and vice versa we all shared something in common: our faith.
And now, life is more complicated. I used to think the phrase “ignorance is bliss” was the most ridiculous statement ever. But I get it. I can’t change how I feel, what I know or who I am. I can go through the motions, but the connection is gone.
I still like going to church. Not for the sermons (no offense to my pastor friends) but because of the fellowship. It’s nostalgic, comforting, and fun. It provides the familial aspect that I miss. I even wanted to get involved at one point – teach Sabbath school – but then I realized that it’s more than slightly hypocritical to teach what you don’t really believe. And so I don’t. But it’s hard.
Especially the friends part. You always expect opposition from your parents – completely normal. But it’s different when your friends say they’re worried and praying for you. Being the heathen is a totally different experience. And while I appreciate their concern it does get on my nerves sometimes. Amazingly parents are more supportive than some of my friends. Who knew?
I still pray – though sometimes it’s more like talking to myself and hoping someone is listening. I haven’t completely given up on the idea of God. If I’m scared, deliriously happy, or just plain miserable I reach out. The truth is I don’t know whether He or She or It exists in the way I was taught. I have serious doubts. Same thing naturally extends to heaven or hell. Seems more likely that it’s been taught for centuries to keep people in line, behave a certain way for reward or escape retribution.
I don’t want to do something because I’m scared or want a crown and my own mansion. I want to do it because it’s the right thing to do. And I think that’s where religions are great – pretty much all of them have the same basic moral code: be good to your fellow man. That’s great stuff. Unfortunately it doesn’t just stop there.
Maybe I’m too blessed, too educated, too jaded. Maybe I have had too much time to think about it. Maybe I need to have an uber-traumatic experience to bring me back into the fold. I probably have to hit rock bottom or the bottom of the barrel or something to realize the truth. At least that’s what I’ve been told. I certainly don’t have the answers. I feel unsettled, uncomfortable, and slightly scared about where my life is going. It would be so much easier if I just believed like I used to.
But I don’t.
Nicole Franklin is a 27-year old, recovering Christian and apathetic law student. She lives with her Scottie puppy Tyler in Nashville, and comes up with brilliant ways to save the world at least once a week. She loves hard, eats well, and dances in her sleep.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
This describes more people than we know and are willing to admit. Question is who’s experience is more real? The person who doubts and is scared and filled with longing or the one who believes unquestioningly and feels no fear?
That’s a great question – I don’t know. I think each person’s experience is their own, making it real. Obviously, I prefer the doubt route because I like to think that I’m growing and not stagnant or complacent. But I don’t think that my journey is more or less real than someone else.
No, you don’t need a uber-traumatic experience to bring you back into the fold. You have found what is logical and heartfelt for you and it’s good. Not believing in god or in a church goes against everything we have been taugh and grown into, but there comes a time when their explanations don’t seem good enough, when we constantly ask: “Why would an everloving god let such terrible things happen to good people everywhere?”.
The good news is that each one of us, believers or not, can be good to our fellow man. Oh, and you can still have a group of friends with which you can gather if not to pray, to share, and laugh and cry together and be part of something spiritual even if not ecclesiastic which is everyday life.
Thanks lvilla. It gets easier as time goes by, but finding people who understand, or at least accept where I am is difficult. Guess I need to start expanding my circles.
From some of the comments it seems that some people are under the impression that God is a micro-manager. God doesn’t micro manage.
Not trying to start a debate or tell anyone how to live. Just sharing my learnings from life with and without God.
Remember God owes us nothing. God has given all of us free will. Having the gift of free will means we have to live with the consequences of our and other peoples actions.
Take a school shooting for example. Here we have a kid/s that are disturbed. And it’s not news to anyone who knows the kids that they have problems. Now how many people around these troubled kids have done everything they can to help them??? Hence we live with the consequences of our and others actions.
Remember God helps those who helps themselves. If you don’t want to have God in your life on a daily basis don’t expect God to be there for you on a daily basis.
Hope that made sense to you.
In my group of friends, I tend to be the most religious. I go to church on most Sundays, I go during the week for morning prayer or a noon time mass if I can swing it, and I try to make it to major feast day services when possible. I like the mystical religious experience that can occur as a result of going to these services.
However, doubt is always something that lurks behind the religious experience – especially on days when that mystical feeling isn’t quite there. In my opinion, having doubt should definitely be part of the religious experience. Perhaps it’s because I have doubts that I feel this way.
It’s okay to have doubts, questions, or no answers. I mean, Mother Theresa did and she’s on her way to canonization. Sometimes doubts or the yearning for faith isn’t so much a test of it but an affirmation of a faith that may actually be there.